Faith. Is this what all the hullabaloo is about?

So I'm having a bad week. The job I was set up for isn't happening (my mistakes and my choices have led to that). So I have no job lined up for myself on Monday. I lost the cd that gets me into my scripts. I tried moving one of my cats to my new place and she got out a random door and I can't find her since early this morning. All the money I thought I'd make this month didn't happen, so I'm financially not so good. I wouldn't call it devastated. But I sure would call it the worst I've been.

And usually I get upset.

I am. I mean, I'm upset. I'm stressed. I have a canker sore. (proof of stress. without it, I'd think I was fine?)

But there's this strange calm underneath. Like God has a plan. Is this faith? Delusion? If it gets worse will I get mad at God? Or will I keep this foundation of calm that lies just under the surface of this chaos? Does this mean I believe in God?

Does this mean God is only that calm? Or at least the cause of the calm?

What circumstance will change this feeling? If it gets worse, I hope I keep it, cuz then it'll be all I have. If it gets better, will I keep it? What is it?

I heard a story on NPR about this marine who got his leg shot up in Falujah. The doctors were going to amputate but he said no. He wants to be a Marine and he can't be a Marine without that leg. So he's going through this amazing and excruciating procedure to make his leg grow back. All regenerated bone. No metal. It will take a long time and a lot of pain.

Two things stuck with me. The first is that the doctor said Marine's bounce back better and faster than other patients because they listen to orders and take chances.

The second is the last words the reporter said, "The doctors don't guarantee anything. They just guarantee the pain. But he's doing it."

I guess there's a life lesson in that for all of us. I have my leg. I'm in pretty good health. I haven't travelled to Falujah. But I can get this much from the hero marine: listen to orders, take risks, fuck the guarantees and do it.